Sometimes people ask whether I miss
the way we were
and I'd be lying if I said that at least for a moment
I don't always feel my stomach lurch
at the mention of the life I lost.

that sometimes I imagine the million
things that might have made my life different
better, sweeter,
more full.

But how can I miss the wayward way
proximity only ever made me feel small

how nearness never meant intimacy

So no. I always say
No.

I don't miss us.
I don't miss feeling alone in a room full of people.

I don't miss wondering
why the glimmering image
of the life I should have
the family I should have
the smile I should have
didn't match the broken memories I was making
And I repeat, I do not miss it.
I do not miss the way we were.

I am grateful for the tear
for the pain I felt when you ripped
my heart to pieces.
For the time I spent wishing
I could turn back time
wishing we could stay
the way we were.

And everyday I find solace in that catalyst
that broke my life apart
that broke my family apart
that made me feel like a person in pieces.

That established the life I have today.
My own glimmering image, life, family,
smile.
I do not miss the way we were.