Its 2:00 a.m. on a Tuesday
I’m sitting here reading quotes off the internet.
It’s this time where I race through my mind for the best word to say next.
Because despite what I say.
I care what goes through people’s minds when they see me.
And as hard as I try
Every part of me is a part of someone else
Every word I speak I was taught
And every thought I have was influenced by someone.
I speak about things that are tangible
Because my mind hides parts that you can’t feel
You see I make fun of who I was
Because it isn’t who I am now
I do it so no one else will
Because despite what I say
I care what people thought
Thought as in past
Because the thoughts you left behind
I’ve picked up
I’ve had some for years
They aren’t all bad
But some wrench my heart
I still have them because they taught me to be unashamed
And I suppose that’s a lesson I’m still being taught
You see out of the qualities I have
My best is defining who I am.
Because you see, that is tangible and easy
Because it takes only words.
I am Alexis.
I am a twin
I speak loudly and care too much too often.
I tend to smother and sometimes I forget to say thank you
The descriptions too heavy for words are the ones that scare me
The ones I see when I look in the mirror for the 7th time before I leave my room
The ones that rattle my lungs
And hang low in my stomach when I’m having an off day.
Because despite what I say.
What I haven’t said is the part that matters.