Nov 2018
I swear it's nights like this
(I threw out my NA chips)
And I've had a few too many sips
And I can feel the weight of your heart shaped lips
Pressed against my eyelids
I've been trying to fall asleep for four months
Afraid to forget the way your eyes traced every inch of my fragile being before walking away for the last time
I know I look terrible in green
Rather be draped in this pale skin and
You
Always you
The last time we slept together I almost died when I had to pry myself from your arms
Or my arms from around myself
Or whatever makes the most sense in saying
I have missed you every moment since then
I don't drink anymore because I still don't eat and I can feel the alcohol tearing holes in my insides
And that's already your job
And you're so ******* good at it
I've been trying to plug these holes and their frayed edges with anything that sounds like the way you laugh when you're nervous
So what I mean is
I'm a liar
I drink until I feel light headed but never drunk so I know exactly what I'm saying but I have every excuse to pretend not to
When I'm pleading with the way you swear you'll never stop loving me
And I've seen you naked in the last two months since I've been home
And that would almost feel like a victory
Except
When I'm working
I have to hold my breath sometimes because I'm so scared of what I'd have to say to you if you ever walked in our front door to make you leave
Because watching you sit with in arm's reach might actually be the final death of me
And that would be a miracle
I talked to an old ex of mine about tiny magics and how mine is never dying no matter how hard I try
No matter how many words like bullets you shoot into my temples
No matter how many needles dipped in poison you watch me then dip into my veins
No matter how many times I tear out all my guts so I can hand you my heart again
And no matter how many times you leave it on ***** street corners in the rain
Do you remember how you would kiss my fingertips and how softly we would hold each other as I ran that blessed holy water of a hand down to the small of your back
Do you remember what your name sounds like in my voice
Do you remember
What it was like
Holding my blood red heart
in your hands
(I threw out my NA chips)
And I've had a few too many sips
And I can feel the weight of your heart shaped lips
Pressed against my eyelids
I've been trying to fall asleep for four months
Afraid to forget the way your eyes traced every inch of my fragile being before walking away for the last time
I know I look terrible in green
Rather be draped in this pale skin and
You
Always you
The last time we slept together I almost died when I had to pry myself from your arms
Or my arms from around myself
Or whatever makes the most sense in saying
I have missed you every moment since then
I don't drink anymore because I still don't eat and I can feel the alcohol tearing holes in my insides
And that's already your job
And you're so ******* good at it
I've been trying to plug these holes and their frayed edges with anything that sounds like the way you laugh when you're nervous
So what I mean is
I'm a liar
I drink until I feel light headed but never drunk so I know exactly what I'm saying but I have every excuse to pretend not to
When I'm pleading with the way you swear you'll never stop loving me
And I've seen you naked in the last two months since I've been home
And that would almost feel like a victory
Except
When I'm working
I have to hold my breath sometimes because I'm so scared of what I'd have to say to you if you ever walked in our front door to make you leave
Because watching you sit with in arm's reach might actually be the final death of me
And that would be a miracle
I talked to an old ex of mine about tiny magics and how mine is never dying no matter how hard I try
No matter how many words like bullets you shoot into my temples
No matter how many needles dipped in poison you watch me then dip into my veins
No matter how many times I tear out all my guts so I can hand you my heart again
And no matter how many times you leave it on ***** street corners in the rain
Do you remember how you would kiss my fingertips and how softly we would hold each other as I ran that blessed holy water of a hand down to the small of your back
Do you remember what your name sounds like in my voice
Do you remember
What it was like
Holding my blood red heart
in your hands
