I went outside for a quick fag break. I sat on the stairs. I felt tired and terrible overall but I really loved my life. I laid down and enjoyed some fresh cold October air. Suddenly the thought of dying hit me again. It wasn't a bad thought but also not a good one. I don't know when it's going to be the right time. I don't want to die if I can still do all the great things in life but I also don't want to die if I can't do these things anymore. I want to enjoy every aspect of life. I don't want to die when I'm miserable but I also don't want to end my happiness. Fuck. The thoughts. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I had another smoke. I looked at the dark sky and listened to everything that was happening around me. It was peaceful. I felt great. But terrible. But great. I loved life. I didn't want it to last too long and I really didn't want to be here sometimes but I loved it. Life is great. It's a gift. It's a burden. You can do so many great things. So many bad things can happen to you. There's so much to live for yet there's so much more to die for. I decided to go inside again.