I realized tonight that I don't love you
and the tattoo of you wrapped around my shoulders hasn't comforted me in ages

but memories are as deadly..

do you remember the night I fell asleep clutching a bottle of xanax and adderall
a concoction from hell
blackout and ****** that I can't trust either of us alone anymore
that's the first time you call me "******" to my face

and wasn't it a surprise that everything only got worse after that

remember when you'd hold me when I was terrified of waking up
and you'd sing so sweetly to sooth the rush of poison in my veins

remember when the blood trail behind the needle was ****
and making love is how we'd describe the way we ****** with our clothes on and the lights out

yeah, me neither

remember the first time we got physical
and it wasn't **** at all

YEAH, ME NEITHER
maybe because it happens all the time now

remember when waking up wasn't the scary part anymore?
because we were more worried about whether we were falling asleep
or just dying this time

you can count me out of that one, too!!
because I have been so ready to close my eyes for so long since you

remember the first time you didn't mean it when you said "i love you"
I wanna be certain we're thinking of the same instance
that I wasn't just months late to the punchline
of this ****** up joke we've been playing on each other ever since we decided to stop sleeping in the same bed

I swear to the only god that'll ever save me
whoever she is
I'll go back to the misery of meeting every morning like a battle field if it means I don't ever have to think of you again

but I remember everything you ever said
every time you held your head back while I traced your pale skin for a good place to inject our sins
I remember exactly what you tasted like the first time we kissed
after begging for all the percocet I had left

remember the way that I loved you..
and how dangerous it'd be
if I still did