i had written my last goodbyes a while ago, hidden in my phone. a page of sentimental memories and apologies all ready to be sent when i was gone.
it was a split second decision, if i hadn't had been curious i probably wouldn't have done it. i walked into the bathroom, headphones on, lanyard in hand.

HOW TO TIE A NOOSE
1. your hands shouldnt be shaking. ask a friend for help.
2. you should be able to read this page. dry your eyes.
3. you should have a rope. an id lanyard won't work.

i tried for 30 minutes, shakily trying to tie a noose with my lanyard, hiding from strangers walking in and trying so desperately to just...
stop.

spoiler alert: it didn't work. i wasn't even close. i tried to choke myself with my own two hands, but it didn't work either. i ended up walking out of the bathroom cold and alone and terrified.

another spoiler: if you ask for help, you will receive it. i texted my friend asking him if he could tie it for me and he ended up talking me out of it.

the last spoiler: one day it ends. you won't suffer, you won't feel the pain that seems to eat up at your insides and banish you of all good feeling. one day, you'll be drinking a cup of orange juice and laughing with your friends and smiling up at the sun again and everything will feel okay.