Theres never the right words to describe feeling like I feel, even if the right words existed they would fail to properly define how scared I am for myself and my actions and the results that these poor ******* who love me will have to go through.  The very awareness of my intelligence and my unbelievable fortune are for some reason both my only blessing and ultimate demise because the luckiest man in the world is never content.  Im sick inside, im sure im dying.  Why cant I just start over, I know id do it the same, only maybe id see it earlier, maybe I could spare her the pain she doesn’t yet know is coming.