We have our third talk in the month
and I tread clearly, carefully lifting
and placing each statement
and each assumption
still, I am covered in filth
I wonder if this will feel
clean again

you’ve been separated from
your wife of 35 years
for almost two years now?
You never mentioned that:
yes, I never wanted to tell you.

you’ve been to jail
and your story doesn’t really add up

you’ve lost your mind
in bits and pieces
I called you back to shore
but still
you make me afraid to breathe

no wonder she left you
at 3am while you slept deeply
no wonder she just left
a short note on the door

there is too much denial here
too much control
too much shame

I am so sorry for you both
humanity is such a bore
a chore
and so very painful
in all the smallest details

is it a sorrow that a ridiculous habit
is shattered after
an entire adult life has been spent
pretending it was real?

In the end, I don’t think so
but then, I don’t have to hold
that note in my hand
and I don’t have to give up my house
and I don’t have to look in the mirror
or see her face in the eyes of my children

I am mostly stunned
given where you come from
that you missed the lesson on trying
to live the truth

now you have bound me not to tell
others that know you
now I am complicit in this small lie
it makes me feel ill
too sick to even overeat
and that’s saying a lot

and I love you still
and know you are but
a person
and I have read of this
and heard it all before
just not so very close to home or
rather
not so very steeped in my own
assumptions

so the lesson is mine:
wake the **** up and
own THIS feeling
and learn to never ever
close your eyes again