I am afraid to pray,
Thinking God will
Continue punishing me,
Out of love,
To teach me a lesson.

I am afraid to hope,
As always,
Hopes  will turn into
Delusions.

I am afraid to feel,
I felt too much pain
And disappointment.

I choose to be effortless,
Over being incapable.
Every step I took
Was a failure.

I don’t want to be strong,
I felt my strength
In my hardest times.

I am afraid to
Think of you,
But I still do,
Even though,
I fear insanity.

I am terrified.