i am an oxymoron

i can’t breathe in this life
that i’m living
but i still smoke cigarettes
they are the only thing that brings something
barely mimicking calm
to my body

i am an oxymoron

i am exhausted but i can’t sleep
for pain and nightmares
are my constant companions in the dark
i stare at the stars
drawing my own constellations within their brightness
finding shapes and solace
among the old light

i am an oxymoron

i have been whittled down to nothing more
than lean muscle and bone
still i can’t eat
food isn’t tolerated by my body
i eat words for breakfast instead
and spit them back up
roped together in patterns
that are my own sustaining

i am an oxymoron

i am bursting with words
but what i say and what others hear
are nowhere near the same thing
i am a ghost walking among the living
misunderstood and set aside
no one understands my verbal gifts offered up
so i shut my mouth and instead
swallow down everything i am

i am an oxymoron

i have passed from the world in which i belong
into a world where everything looks real
but nothing is as it seems
alice lost without her wonderland
i am alone among the masses
i have become the mad hatter

i am an oxymoron