It makes me feel scared, it gets my adrenaline rushing, but at the same time I feel relaxed. It's as close as I can get to feeling anymore. The symphonies are like the sweet predecessors of a beautiful imaginary fate. Even if it is a morbid feeling. They say when you think about happy things, you should feel happy. Not me I guess. I guess the two extremes have just collided with each other. My sensitivity has vanished. No feeling is a feeling of utter satisfaction, even if it isn't a good one. Because in order for someone to feel, you must be happy, or had once been happy. But after you forget what that happiness feels like, it's almost like you become a hollow vessel. You're inspirations and your aspirations are just whispers. Your motivation is just a black hole, pulling for anything to surface you. To pull at your ambitions, Who will be your freedom fighter. Because that's what freedom really is. It's feeling. Knowing oneself. After losing even the shallow sense of what happiness might feel like in that open void, we rely on that music to debrief us. It's a miserable feeling, but a feeling nonetheless.