why are you so much nicer to me
when the sun sets?
no, why are you only nice to me when the sun sets?

this didn’t seem to be much of a problem during the summer
when i only ever the saw the moon
beautiful as ever, but still so sad;
when summer doesn’t feel like summer,
you would text me;
rather, i would text you
but it didn’t make much of a difference because your words
hung like stars themselves
suns,
delicate and ethereal
like i was privileged to see their light

when i only ever saw the moon
stars were awfully pretty,
stars that i clung to
like parts of a middle school production
hanging from string;
lifelines that glowed
and were warm, not scalding, to the touch;
and there were grown adults in the crowd,
watching a child monkey around on stage
but i was so awfully happy
i was so happy
it didn’t occur to me that i looked stupid

then the sun would rise
around the time i would fall asleep
and suddenly, miniature suns couldn’t hold a candle to that
this is something i was blissfully unaware of when i texted you at 3 pm
when i miraculously found myself awake and cold
this is something i was painfully aware of when you responded
at 3:02,
clipped and courteous,
like you were wasting your breath on me
in just those few syllables

at 6, i tried again
maybe
your stars needed to warm up
maybe they needed to rest
still
there was no hint of the warmth i remembered so vividly
from just last night
and even as the sun beat mercilessly at my skin,
reminding me it is summer,
and that i shouldn’t be glued to my phone,
summer didn’t feel like summer

you see, i’d come to learn that your stars
are ephemeral,
or in fact, your stars shine for whoever it is most convenient
to shine for
there are far better people to entertain in broad daylight
girls whose water soaked skin will glitter by the poolside
boys whose laughs are warmer than the asphalt beneath your feet
i couldn’t hold a candle to that

still, when the sun sets once more
and i text you, because i am once again cold
iwasneverwarmtobeginwith,
you glow
and radiate
and i hate that you glow and radiate,
and that i want you to emanate light for only me;
even so,
in the few hours i have before sunrise,
i will pretend you only glow for me
and that you always glow for me.