When my dreams turned into nightmares
When my nightmares finally came true;
I indulged a sudden shock to my body
I indulged what i should have prevented
I wanted to feel what everyone feared
I wanted to do what people dont do
I tried to force myself to be strong, but that strength was my mind over my heart
And my soul over my body
I learned to appear in front of a mirror; blinded from the person i saw
My fears werent leaving
My anxiety kept rising
My anger escalated
My depression had me dying
One day i turned & i snapped
I explored & i had to act
I wanted to change what changed me
I wanted to hurt what was slowly killing me
I ignored my hearts attention when i heard the knife calling
I welcomed my minds whispers when the razors had me eyeballing
I couldnt control
I couldnt turn back
My mind was in charge
I couldnt fight back
As i start to cry
It was time to end my innocence inside
The new thing i needed, was already planned
It was my last resort
It was my escape
It was the love of my mind
But the master to my heart
And i was behind invisible bars
Chained; locked inside my own body
I couldnt go on feeling unsatisfied
I couldnt go on feeling lonely
& so i made friends with a knife, a razor, and scissors
They taught me how to hurt
Taught me how to bleed
Taught me how to aim
And taught me it wouldnt be easy
It wasnt easy; they were right.
But what they meant;
It wouldnt be easy to turn back and fight.
It was an addiction
I loved the pain
The pain was gone
But there was darkness that still remained
Everyday i would continue
Self mutilation was the only answer
The red lines on my body never faded
I cut deep
I cut deep in the past;
& so i took the knife deep with me
I cut deep in my nightmares;
& so i took the razor deep with me
I cut deep at my problems;
& so i cut it all with the scissors
There was no more pain, but i was bleeding
I needed the pain, but i was blinded
I loved the pain, but i was confused
I always had the pain, because now im bruised.
Inside was who i truly saw
Inside was who i truly felt
I have been played with,
****** with,
Used
And im the only one to blame for hurting myself