Im unable to be free
Im unable to runaway
Im unable to hide
Im forced to obey
Im forced to allow;
To be tortured.
Forced to be made a fool
Forced to lose control
Forced to be weak
Physically, I appear a danger to myself.
I shut the door in front of my own face.
The floor is used for my body to be pushed down;
While I step all over myself.
I appear two-faced;
I behave when people are at my attention.
When noone is around,
I continue to disrespect myself.
My eyes are used to drowning in my tears.
My ears are used to be plugged with hands;
While I listen to negative comebacks,
It shoots my nerves.
My voice wares out form the anger I let out.
And so my breathing appears harsh;
Anxiety never leaves me.
I keep running,
And so Im chased.
I keep hiding,
And so Im found.
I try to smile,
And so I keep frowning.
I try to laugh,
And so I keep crying.
I try to be brave,
And so I appear fearful.
So hard to escape
So hard to defend
So hard to laugh
So easy to be trapped
So easy to be controlled
So easy to cry
My arms appear around my neck;
Strangled,
To stop the breathing.
My feet appear heavy like stones;
I trip myself when I try to walk.
And when I fall,
There is noone to catch me.
My hands dont break my fall anymore
No more strength to block whats hurting me.
& when I use self-mutilation,
My arm is covered in scratches.
My weapon is the knife.
I feel as if there is a stranger following me,
Just waiting to fight me.
Just waiting to hurt me.
I feel as if noones around to help me
Im always left alone to be abused & tortured
My heart can only pump faster
My breathing can only be harder
My anxiety can only get worse
My skin can only heal slower
My conscience can only be scarier;
Only because Im left to fear myself.
& so I will always be unsafe when noones around.