Sometimes you don't feel quite ready
Standing in the hot sun
I do what I can to validate myself.

Close your eyes and think on all you have to offer
And then let it all go.

It is 10pm
10pm on a Chicago weekend
I think of all the places and faces I could go
The drinks I could be pouring back
The conversations and business cards I could be slipping
Looking at my phone it is suddenly 3am
I wake up in the morning in my bed
Dizzy and grumpy
Smearing red lipstick onto a tired face
This is not necessarily the reality I want tomorrow.

So I think I'll stay in.

I make dinner
I wash my face
My best guy friend on the bus
Lays down words covered in jewels
I feel foolish for how I have reached out
And heard so little back
I think on packing up my room
I think of trying to sleep there
I walk into my house and feel pain
At the absence
Of all the lovers that have been.

White wine
White wine makes it all taste better
I'm no alcoholic but sometimes drinks
Make it all better.

I try to live inside of my life
A vulnerability and protective nature
Where it makes it a struggle
For me to extend myself
Weighs on me
Quietly
So quietly I hope no one notices.

I ask myself what I need
Sometimes
But even that question feels
Indulgent
And exhausting.

I'm so good at imagining things
It is often a painful part of my personal life
I remember what it was like to be played with by my father
I watched dad after dad
Dance with his little girl
In the grass before the concert
I watched them silently
Behind my pink sunglasses.

Everything feels like it is covered in a temporary gloss
Marriage
Divorce
Love
Aging
Friendship
Money.

The very things that make up our entirely daily life
I wonder at the people who seem like they have those things
I wonder at myself.