What if,
I find fulfillment in solidarity
Satisfaction in doing nothing
but staring at the clear blue sky
In filling an empty ***
with emptiness itself
In dusting out events
From my life, from my shelf

What if,
It feels good to feel pain
To sicken yet to throw myself
out in the pouring rain
To wound myself with the same knife
again and again and again
To have the key but never use it
to free myself from this chain
that you have bound me with

What if,
I never ask you to leave
Even if this is all that you can give
Even if you order me to retrieve
I refuse
And do nothing but grieve
For letting you stay,
my afflictive euphoria