i wear your betrayal
like a cloak.
invisible.  shrouded.
dark weight
settled on my shoulders

my heart once whispered your name with every beat
a “lub” for you
a “bump” for me

lub bump lub bump lubbump lubump...

now, no more.

my insides struggle
to adjust
to this new flow,
rhythm,
beats missed;  chaos.

where once everything made sense

your absence
has torn through me,
shredding delicate tissues
cutting marrow deep

i carried you within me
in ways you never knew.
tending to grace,
this garden,
alive;  filled with future.

and we were spring

promises made,
fragile roots searching for placement,
seeking sustenance; home.

i would have pillowed your head
on beds of calla lillies.
covered you in the velvet
of rose petals
sprinkled with sunflowers
so you would only see
beautiful things.

i would have held up to you
crystal lakes;
freckled, pebbled bottoms,
your reflection mirrored back
in beauty
so you could see
yourself
through my eyes.

i would have carried you
when your wings
grew weary.
tore feathers from my shoulder blades,
time and again,
so you could rise up
impervious to the ashes
at your feet.
a phoenix, ascending.

i would have stood beside you; always
gave you my words
when your voice grew silent.
opened myself up;
carrying you deep with me.

i would have given you my ribcage
splayed open,
to wear as armor.
settled you deep within;  protected
by the staccato tattoo
of my heart.

i would have been your fortress
fortified by my love,
a safe place
where you could lay down
all your burdens
at my feet
and step,
unabated,
into the sanctuary
my arms would have given you.

i would have written you
a love poem; endless
touching all the softest places
within you.

i would have used every finger.

i could go on forever,
this list of
“i would have’s’...
now chokes me up,
lumped deep in my throat.

my breath struggles against
its mass;
caved in, shoved down.
my words like butterflies
soft beating of frantic wings.

these wings will **** me
i know