i’ve come to realize
that i can’t look myself in the face anymore
not just square but sideways and octagonally
and every other way there is
i can’t make myself do it
i think it’s my eyes
it’s always the eyes
at least that’s what they say
my eyes scare me
what glitters just below the surface
not a sweet glitter
or shimmer
someone’s version of what girls should be
but something sharp
jagged and warning isn’t a strong enough word
for what my eyes would say to me
if i was able to meet them
so i don’t because i can’t stand to shatter right now
i don’t have a heart
or so i’ve been told but that heart
that isn’t there is still breaking
not breaking for you or you or you
because for you implies promise
it hints at a beauty in the brokenness
something that can be gathered together
nothing a little duct tape super glue
and another man
can’t fix and mold
make their own but i’m too sharp even for them
i realize that i leave a wake of simple hearts in pieces
when i leave
my rearview mirror is always crowded with their ghosts
and i’m always leaving
even when my body hasn’t moved
i don’t want vanilla
or picket fences or 401k’s
some people wear their hearts on their sleeves
or keep them in their back pockets
somewhere they think it’s safe but still handy
easy to pull out and present
but i don’t want your heart
i eat ventricles for sport these days
instead
i keep my brokenness secret
you can’t shatter if you don’t have a heart
but make sure to avert your eyes
from my left boot strap
because you’ll see the beat and you’ll taste vanilla
right before my left boot
drops you to your knees
leaves you in a brokenness
that is broken for you
and you and you and you
don’t worry darlin’
it’s only temporary soon another
will come along to gather your
broken for you
super glue duct tape
make mold and strapped
but your jagged scar left by my carelessness
will never quite heal
you may even call it proud flesh
for a while
but when does proud flesh tire of its pride
and when it does
you’ll still taste vanilla
and i’ll still taste ventricles
so i avert my eyes
bend the angles to planes to numbers i don’t understand
anything to make my brain distracted
from the fact that i can’t even look
myself
in
my
eyes
they scare me too much