Going in cashing the check, releasing my breath cause I know soon I'll be outta debt.  So many regrets, with so many effected by my mindset. I'm sorry i'm not a pastor, i'm sorry that I am not a positive rapper, I'm sorry for not factoring in your feelings and pretending like it didn't even matter. I wish I could just pay my out, I wish I could just figure out what i'm all about. Am I for or against the people? Am I helping those in need or am I too busy to high up on my steeple? Am I truly a class act? Am I truly spitting the honest hitting facts? Questioning my self, hating myself, wanting a purpose and a happy future for myself. Has the dollar become my God? Has the scholar become a corrupt facade? So focused on making the dough, spending that dough, banging another ***, smocking that blow, putting on a show, but haven't really grown. Wow! Realizing that the money doesn't really matter/ Realizing that I am not my own master. For when I'm slipping I find myself leaning up against Jacob's ladder. I don't deserve forgiveness, I deserve the hammer,  I deserve to live in disaster. But by grace I have not been splattered, but by grace I have not been shattered! I don't know why? For I am not worth anything like an ant or a fly. At least that's what I convince myself of, for the voice in my head tells me that I'll never enter the pearly gates above. It tells me i should just give up, It tells me to just shut up. It reinforces the notions of people who hate me, It deflates me, It takes me down a valley of death and says that no one will help me. I know my future will be bright and that for right now I have to rome throughout the night. But it's alright as long as I don't lose sight. I know the world is crumbling apart for it is a result of our own misguided choices, I know it's because others have believed their own deceiving voices. It's not a matter of faith, or race, or gender but by our own selfish flesh. We are like an old virus filled computer, we just need to be fixed and modified and refreshed.