i think i’m addicted to pain
almost like i’m addicted to mint
an inhale of nicotine
is an exhale of anxiety
it gets rid of that **** quick
but nicotine doesn’t get rid of
you
it makes you stay
it makes me stay
i know i shouldn’t ******* stay
you haven’t changed
you’re cruel
you’re manipulative
you’re hungry
for the meat on another girls bones
i think you already started eating her
you ate me forever ago
no meal etiquette
just your filthy hands
but i guess you don’t need meal etiquette
when you only want a quick snack
before we go out for recess
i’m on the swing
swinging away my slippery beginnings
there is absolutely no ending
you run out to the playground
ready to play with
me
you just forgot to wipe the snack crumbs from the last girl off your face
he kicks the mahogany mulch
like an angry uniform school boy
i kick my life away
like an abandoned woman
i’m the only one who should be angry but i’m not
i don’t know what emotion it is when
when i collapsed a long time ago
and yet i’m still collapsing
a cold cheating collision
you are always
the instigator of the collisions
he says he loves me but i know that he’s lying
he just loves the *** and he knows i supply him
now supply me with the truth
and you’ll tell me half of it
while holding me down on the couch
so i don’t run out of apartment 16
it’s like a sleeping cycle
you just don’t sleep
we scream
i get up and throw stuff
and keep hitting you
you’ll wrap your hands around my throat
to tame me but
ill just carve my fingernails into my legs
i just drew a maze
i shake profusely
while you yell about how
crazy
i am
we finally come to end
i inhale nicotine
i exhale anxiety
while you breathe normally
and wait to see if i come back this time
i think i’m addicted to pain