my whole life i've been breaking my heart on memories too jagged for it
moments like an intake of air
too short and sharp for my chest
that wants to rise slow and easy, graceful with every breath
a shock to the system to say the best,
the intimacy's fading with every detail of disrespect
heart skipping a beat before falling awake
back in step with recognition after being
stuck for a second, on the eerie formality of
small talk with such a familiar blank face
overwhelmed by that sickness in the back of my throat, urging me to get some space
choking on places that never wanted me
never asked for me,
never knew me,
never wanted to know me,
but my heart just wants to remember everyone fondly.

so my whole life i've been breaking my heart on memories too perfect for it
coffee and candles and inky hands in the evening
whisky lips and late night screenings
even the fighting the endless tears and the screaming
and the people that always ended up leaving -
like a beautiful little fool,
i fell in love with my pedestals
lived up to them one by one and had them leaving me breathless like duvet covers pulled off in the night
like green eyes under dim lights
and his lips on mine made me feel like i'm soulless
like the air i was breathing was nothing but stardust
pretty and cosmic but finally fruitless
and i can't lie, i didn't mind
'cause his hand round my throat made me feel like i'm worth this
like he gave me a promise
and said here, now keep it,
i promise he didn't.

sometimes i'm laying on carpets more worn than i am
staring at ceilings that have seen my hopeful eyes a few too many times
wondering if i really have nothing left to give
if i've had my fair share of people who want to stretch out moments with me
enough people to bathe in memories like warm oceans for the rest of my life
and maybe i should get going,
make like the moon and cling to horizons only for an evening
but my heart proves time and time over that i am overflowing
because here i am laughing at the sun like it isn't shining enough
to blaze through a summer that shines brighter than us
like i light up the dark.

and then peace finds me,
somewhere between forest pines and no trespassing signs
somewhere between my sheets and body heat
somewhere between one moment and the next
between car seats and ***
i am everywhere and i am nowhere
i'm his girlfriend, i'm his best friend
he's swearing under his breath in the lounge chair
like he knows i'm more than just the hot air on his skin
more than he ever knew he was involved in
i'm a universe of my very own and stardust is my cornerstone
breathe it in like magic, it's time for me to begin,
i am not just spare
i'm the whole engine
and i'm starting now, at the ending