I have this silly game that I play
where I test to see just how long
I can keep everything in.
Problems are thrown my way like dice
that always come up snake eyes
while I pretend they're smiling seven.

It’s just like roulette,
only there are no blanks,
the rounds are fired blindly,
and I wait to see when they will lodge themselves in my throat.

The odds aren’t fair.
I continue smiling as my body is used for target practice,
pretending not to feel a thing
until one day I can no longer contain this pool of blood.
My fingers claw at it, trying to drag it back,
but it’s no use.
I am exposed.
Either I will smile through red-tinted teeth
and laugh it off like a nasty paper cut,
or the reservoir will break and take us down with it.

I am afraid.
Every shot sends anxiety through my bones.
Bang.
I’ve only been pretending to like it because you do.
Bang.
I have so many questions I will never ask, because I’m scared that this isn’t real for you.
Bang.
I trust you – love you, maybe – but my past is lingering like ghosts in a cemetery.
Bang.
Why can’t I stop second guessing?
Bang.
Why can't I tell you?
Bang.
Do I want this because you want this?
Bang.
How do I…
Bang.
Where do I…
Bang.
Begin.

Ready,
    Set,
        Go.