“it’s us against the world.”

you used to say it over and over, after dad left, after grandma died, after you got out of your first and second toxic ‘relationships’.
you said it so much that i started to believe it. even as a kid, it took a lot of convincing for me to listen to anything. i was stubborn.

but that became the truth, the consistent, the backbone of whatever we had at the time. i was comfortable with the simplicity of the phrase, and it was a way to remind myself that i always had you.

after i moved out of dad’s for the final time, as i was crying over the birthday cake he had gotten me:

“it’s us against the world.”

after my sister had her son, and moved in, and moved out, and moved in, and moved out:

“it’s us against the world.”

after you started getting suspicious that her husband was abusive and that she was stuck in a toxicity you knew too well:

“it’s us against the world.”

after my brother was sent to prison for defending her:

“it’s us against the world.”

you’re allowed to use that when things happen to us. when it’s truly US against the world.

when it’s YOU against the world, you can’t say that it’s US. when YOU put YOURSELF in this situation, you can’t say that it’s US.

i, as a separate person from you, am trying to feel better. trying to breathe easy. trying to get out of the couple of houses i coexist in more often. trying to eat more. trying to live the most simple life i can.

you say that you are too.

but the difference between us is that i am not putting myself in situations and then dragging you down with me.

you have dug yourself a hole, and every time you fall into it, your immediate reaction is to grab another shovel instead of climbing out, and i’m tired of being the one taking the shovel from you and dragging you out.

when you learn to throw the shovel out, or even better, fill the hole in, i will gladly agree that it is us against the world.

but until then, it’s not us against anything.

it’s you against you, and me waiting for something to be resolved.