you.
you, with your stupidly light eyes
you, with your long hair.
you, with the kind voice and long legs.
you.

when we first met, it surprised me so much. we got along so well. we clicked so fast. i thought it was meant to be.
i think i might fall in love, i thought to myself.

turns out that was a lie.
turns out you didnʻt want to meet me. you wanted to meet my friend. you wanted to meet my amazing, beautiful, perfect, smart, kind, caring, hard working, best friend.
but you came to me.

you came to me and i wore my heart on my sleeve. you showed me all the parts of you.
soft, tired, loving, gentle.
angry, loud, passionate, competitive.
witty, charming, stupidly clever.
vulnerable, suicidal, sad.
i thought it would go well for once.
over time i became more and more used to your presence. you meant more and more to me over time. i got used to looking for you at assemblies and in the morning when you came off the bus.
you did the exact opposite.
i guess you started to feel the guilt.

you.. hurt me.
you threw me away like i meant nothing to you and i spent months agonizing over what i did wrong, what went wrong, who had managed to catch your eye.
i thought you were mine
you were almost mine
and then, right when i thought that i had finally shaken you off, when i was done being heartbroken
you tell me it was actually for her. you were going to talk to her.
why the **** did you do that.
why did you waste my time? why did you lie to me?? why didnʻt you just talk to her???
i ******* hate that you did that. i ******* DESPISE the fact that you advantage of my love for you.
but.
if the world ended tomorrow, id want to be in your arms.
and if i were to die, the last thing id want to see would be your smile.
and if i were to go deaf, the last thing id want to hear would be your voice and laughter. singing softly to me, over 4 hour long video chats.

i dont know what to do anymore.