I spent a lot of time on you, and that’s my fault.
Should’ve been more pragmatic with my temporal currency
I’m not a millionaire in that category, not yet
In any category, for that matter
I guess I never thought it’d be an issue.

Here’s the thing: I thought I thought I thought
I loved you.
Jeez. That’s a thing you should know, you know?
Something I thought I knew
But I was wrong.

It’s been a while, but memories come up
This time of year; this month
A lot of things happened this month, a lifetime ago
And you were in some of them
On the fringes, casting glances askance
Hoping I wasn’t watching
Knowing I was.

Like, I had a title— you gave me a title
“Give an inch” you know?
But I held my end until I couldn’t
And you never did.

I thought I loved you
I was wrong.
I know I love her
Because it feels nothing like before.

I wonder if you know what love is
Or if you only know wanting
The emptiness that comes from
Needing a foundation
Needing a stable parentage
Needing. . . someone to take up your burdens
Telling you it’ll be alright
Telling you you’re fine.

Needing someone to take up my position
I was a mechanic:
You’d take your problems in to me
I’d fix them up
And I wouldn’t charge you because
You were my favourite customer
I was never more than a stop on your errand run
If you could fit me in.

It’s upsetting, because so much of my temporal capital
Went to someone who didn’t appreciate it
Someone who could replace me
Someone who did replace me.

I don’t know why I thought I loved you
Maybe proximity gets you confused
Maybe familiarity gets you confused
Maybe maturity pulls back the curtain, throws light on our idols
Shows them for the half-starved lions they are
The manticore illusion dies.

I’ve been spending my time better now
With better people
With people I love and who love me.

She loves me; you didn’t.
I win; you lose.

I don’t think about you all that often
But when I do
I don’t get angry
I don’t think about you all that often
But when I do
I hope I don’t ever have
to make small talk with you

I don’t think about you.

But when I do
I hope reality shows you a mirror
And you peer into your actions
Remembering the people you chased away
The people who left you for greener pastures
And as you carve the tallies into the mirror
Marks of the ones who’ve gone
I hope you see that they are going toward happiness
And that you are living in unhappiness
Spinning webs of negativity as you
Verbally abuse the ones you “love.”

I hope life bites. And I hope you know
That you gave it the teeth to do it.