i am trying to find
the space where i feel
anything because of this

tragedy, sadness, self pity, guilt,
none of it comes

instead, a strange calm
continually washes over me
as if i lay on the sea shore
waiting for the tide to whisk me away

i've thought so much about loss,
what it means to feel that
dull empty ache that radiates
from the bottom of your ribcage
up to the back of your throat

the kind of loss that brings
tears to your eyes with every
sad song you hear, every image
of a baby you see, every man
who brushes by with a mustache
like the one that tickled my nose

i begin to wonder if i'm cold,
too calculated in my logic,
but i knew what i'd do
if this happened eons before
i decided i could turn off emotions
and ******* without any
sense of love or regret

tomorrow when i say goodbye
to whatever it is that you have
a mind to call this, i know i will
sit heavy with the fact that i
will never forget you and your
innate kindness, or what we
created and what i've done

perhaps tomorrow i will feel