I haven’t been myself since I was 9 years old
That’s what I told my sensei
Fast forwarding through time on my bicycle
Not keeping memories
Why bother?
Pain is what keeps my attention
The horror of having to look into the mirror
Hoping to find a purpose that’s eluded me since birth
Numb to everything I sit and ponder my future
Or lack thereof
As I sit in my hole I wonder
As the weather changes again, will I again?
Will I pretend again?
That I’m all good
That everything’s okay
I don’t smile for me. Never have
The monks that knew me knew I was troubled
Even they couldn’t get to me
They shunned me away
They say my negativity was so heavy
That my vibe could **** a room
I take a sword to my gut
Of my own doing of course
Not that I can feel it
I can’t feel a thing