the worst part is the judgement
the looks of disappointment
the sighs that you try to hold in
the shaking of your head when i mention
his name followed by mine and any form of happiness i show on my face
you don't get it
and i understand that
you haven't felt this
you can't imagine it
the honest conflict between my head and heart is asinine
to you
i suppose you feel how the angels felt
watching God forgive the devil
because as merciful as my God is
and with him making me the way that i am
i know
that there is no way the devil messed up Once
and was thrown out of heaven.

i'm sure the devil ****** up
disrespected God's creations
spoke against his power
and the strength of his nation
but i believe God forgave him
and believed that he could turn the other cheek
be wiser
and reget his defiant spirt
because they say we are in his likeliness
so how could He create this forgiving heart in me
and not have that same compassion in Him
and the other angels watched in frustration
i'm sure.
not understanding the relationship between the two
not understanding why God would allow such things
i'm sure the angels felt like you
you who from the outside looking in
only love me and want the best
from your view
and can really only see the tears, and heart break and unbalanced misfortune i go through
you know i deserve better
and you are right
i know i deserve better
and the mistakes have occurred more than once
and i do not know how to explain my heart
or my head
or why i stay
but what hurts more than the pain i allow from him
is the disappointment i see in you
as you
look at me.