after you left
i seen you in one of my dreams
you told me, “be courageous”
now isn’t it outrageous
that to this day i still can’t get over this
but yet i still never wish
for you to come back to me
to be by my side, actually,
in a way i am glad you are gone
because then i wouldn’t be so strong,
but most days i look around
“what about your dad?”, i frown
“he is dead”, i say
automatically clenching my fists
ready for the stares and remarks of disdain
and when someone is brave enough to ask
i tell them you put a bullet through your brain
living with you, a schizophrenic
i had to comprehend your impulsive scenes and
understand the end just had to happen
because with a family like yours
we all needed a valuable lesson
so when you told me, “be courageous”,
i realized what i once thought was so dangerous
feeling so much i couldn’t breathe
crying so much i didn’t want to see
that i desperately needed you here with me
courageous in the way i could be
brave enough to face my fears
and never wish you were still here
yes, i forgot the sound of your voice,
but i still remember your cologne of choice
i am thankful for the time we shared
because even if you’re not there,
at least i can say i did once have a father who cared.