I'm so many folds deep.

It's when I listen to Soupy's songs
Or when those songs turn my attention to Ginsberg
And moments like that

That's when I realize how stuck in myself I am.

I want to write about someone dear to me. And it bothers me that I don't do that naturally.

I want to write about my generation. Something other than me.

I'm so detached from things, and only cultured in some random patches of obsession. I try to fix that. I am a little slow at it. And yet I witness from myself bursts of creative brilliance. It happens. . .

It is sometimes very hard to be creative. I think O. Henry said something about having to leave the house.

Who and what is dear to me? I miss Brian. We don't talk at all anymore, and we used to be best friends. I dont even remember what I said when I was depressed. What was that, two years ago?

I'm stuck on someone I haven't talked to in over 4 years. That's pretty horrible.

I really need to try to be more positive with my mom, even if she is having a rough day, because she just seems so sad even when she's happy. And I ****** my parent's lives up so terribly.

So now that I've done that I get to tell you more about me and why I'm so important,
I could do so many things with my brain,
I watch all these educational videos.

But I vandalized a train station one night in 2016 when my parents called the cops on me for throwing my brothers ihome and i talked to the cops and then tried to bike off the anger after.

But the tires were slashed and I got so mad and broke this very expensive electric sign at the train station as well as a store front window and a windshield of a parked car with rocks.

So then I did 5 months in jail and I was charged with a felony, but if I do this mental health court its not a felony, and it is a year and a half and every day i never know if I will have a drug test which takes lots of time to do because I take the bus a couple towns over for them

So that lasts for at least another year but my restitution is $45,000 and I will go on regular probation until that is paid off

So I'm like, pretty smart and I want to go to school but I'm not sure if I should do that or just try other things and be creative.

I dont know I've literally been studying receptor pharmacology of cells recently for kicks. And I love physics. I dont know. Music is my main love. I don't think its smart to major in music. Ugh, I'm 23

I dont know why I'm posting this I'm not trying but I want you to read it its like mean of me to want you to understand this but not even be trying.

I just want to be able to do things again, like drive and afford things and work a regular job. I feel like I'm in hell but I know I should be thankful? I dont know. I wish I were a famous musician.

I probably dont seem intelligent to you at all. I'm actually pretty intelligent but it is in specific ways, I'm like a lower tier genius. I'm just losing my ****. That got auto corrected to shot and now I'm sad.