there is a whiteboard next to my bed
it says “don’t be lazy”
even though
my mom would say
“we all have to do things we don’t want to do”

but you don’t understand
it’s not that i don’t want to,
it’s that

i can’t.

i wished i forgot to set the alarm
so i would be late for class
but the whiteboard says
“don’t waste your money”

so i force myself
to stare at the wall in the shower
and the wall in the classroom
and the wall in the doctors office

and i force myself
to have conversations
that i am not present for,

to write papers
with words
that i cannot articulate

and this made my mind more tired than it already was.

and so i fell apart,
expecting that you would take care of me.
thats what i’m supposed to do right?
but i messed up somewhere along the way

because you remain
looking anywhere
except my crying eyes

and my tears are fixed on you.
on your hands hoping they will touch me,
and your lips hoping they will tell me
that i will be okay.