I never knew my drastic changes
would ever have a name
I never imagined I would beg for medication
to help keep me sane

I thought that my sadness
was just a simple phase
I thought that in time
I would outgrow this craze

it doubled in size
and started poisoning my life
I was contemplating suicide
ending my breathing with a knife

I had badgered my parents
and fought for my mental health
but they ignored my urgency
just like everything else

I explained to my big sister
that I believed my life was on the line
that I had no control over anything
not even my mangled mind

she worried about me nonstop
I felt even more like a burden
my brain would tell me horrible things
before I could ever get a word in

I would cry for days
and then be on top of the entire world
my mind would shut down
and then awaken in a manic whirl

when I stopped being a teenager
and moved out on my own
I thought the world was for my taking
that I could survive without being thrown

abuse became my entirety
I said coke was my one true soulmate
but one day I sniffed too much
and it was almost too late

im surprised I made it
to eight months clean
I dont want to go back
but sometimes I want to scream

now im back in my old bedroom
my parents trying to understand
where did their little girl go?
she used to be so very grand

im going to see a doctor
who can finally put an end
to this crippling illness
happiness won't have to be pretend

I am not my sickness
I am not going to die
I never thought I would be okay
im not going to lie

im excited to be okay
Im ecstatic to put an end to the facade
I know life won't be perfect
but my perception will not be flawed

this isn't the end for me
in fact this is just the very start
finally for once in my life
I won't want to tear myself apart