Why am I positive
Why do I try filling my soul with sunshine
Feed it droplets day by day
try to make others happy so that I can be too
As if spreading myself might make my love feel larger
Why smile, when life is punching me in the gut?
Bullies beating down upon a pacifist heart
go on living when all my mind wants is to see me dead

Because I promised Him
I promised Him I would be positive

I don’t make it all the time
Sometimes it gets drowned out by the darkness pounding in my head
The messed up roller coaster that I was destined to ride in a constant loop
Going up and down, scraping the surface of light
Screeching metal on the rails
To make it slow down long enough for me to see the sun
Sometimes the joy gets wrapped in doubts, stress, and exhaustion
Lost in the to do lists
The one I make longer as I explore life's opportunities
taking each one upon my shoulders
Like boulders in the shape of smiley face stickers
And then let myself denounce all the happy things and candy coat them in annoyance
Negate every amusement with irritation
Making the air around shrouded in subtle pessimism
But I promised I would try
Try to smile when I felt the need to smile
Not have my mind or others tell me otherwise
Scream with elation at the voices in my head
Take hateful words with love and use them for my strength
To make flaws fade or flourish
I promised I wouldn’t be defeated
I promised Him I wouldn’t lose myself
There have been times where I almost have
walked into a cave of worldliness
Filled with life's common pleasures
The pleasures I’d dreamed of since childhood
But felt were meant for later
I tried to stay in that cave
As I felt happiness that made me feel less human
Let praise rain down that hollowed out identity
I almost didn’t make it
But, I remember the promise
I smeared it on my heart with the tears I had shed during those grim moments
And hold it like a torch to keep the son of the morning at bay
I will never forget as long as I live
The promise I made to You that day.