I was in first grade the first time he touched me
Sitting in class enjoying my innocence when I felt a hand on my leg
Confusing
fear
Innocence
I wonder now what innocence means
As his hand slipped into my pants
Threatening me I shouldn't tell
Couldn't tell
I'd be in trouble
The goody-two shoes
The thought suffocated me
It stiffled the fight
Mom would be so upset
It didn't stop
For months
I hated going to school
Hated sitting beside him
The troublemaker
Beside the good girl
Maybe she'll be a good influence
She wasn't
Not while he had his hand in her pants
telling her what to feel
Telling her what he was going to do
Or else he'd tell
Tell the teacher who was supposed to care
Tell the parents who should have protected
Break the girl who had done nothing wrong
Was this what adults meant by love?
Control
Fear
Immense shame
She never told
Who would believe her now
That child is dead
Replaced by someone who claws
Begs for a feeling of innocence again
Something to take it back
To replace the childhood that was shattered
But don't tell mom
Don't tell dad
Break slowly inside
As the emotions roll over
Your fault
You never stopped it
Bet you even liked it
Can't handle reality
Never tell.
I'm so broken now
A shattered child lives somewhere deep in my heart, paralyzed on the floor, trapped by fear, afraid to even cry for help