is it wrong of me to crave love after being *****? i long for affection in an indescribable way, yet i am petrified of the male species. i know for a fact that i am not lesbian if that is an assumption to conclude, but i want to feel love; romantic love. something to get excited for. something to hold onto when finishing these last two years of high school, but i have no trust nor hope in putting myself in a high school relationship. so why do i crave for one so deeply?
there is a deep hole within me; a fierce wound that i am at a complete loss when it comes to figuring out how to heal it, because i know that it has to be on my own.
maybe god’s love is the answer. i don’t know how to find any compassion from him with all of my constant negative virtues. i feel betrayed. my life now consists of a waiting game to have some flint of hope drop from the universe and splash me in the face like an abrupt rain storm. the kind of storm that is evidently present and aggressive (my pain), yet the sun is still prominently visible (hope). because we all know the contrast of the opposites results in a rainbow, as basic as this sounds, at least it ends it a simplistic answer.
i guess thats another one of my cravings. a simplistic answer. and i cant find that solution within myself so i search for it in others; i am so completely and utterly drained. i no longer want to even search for this hope because i have no energy left in me to do so.
the only simple answer i have been able to find within me is suicide. its my choice. my final decision. and on MY time. not anyone else’s.