I know it’s my fault.
All of it.
My grades.
My failed friendships.
All of them are because of me.
I can’t keep up this facade of happy and cheery guy,
who is always ready for the day,
and has recovered from anything instantly.
I should’ve kept my mouth shut though.
Am I really being petty?
He thinks I am.
I don’t know how she feels.

She probably hates me.
I lied to her.
Again.
I said I wouldn’t leave her, no matter what, unless she asked me to.
But, I left her.
Because I was jealous and petty.
And, now, I can’t even stand to see myself.
I deserve every bit of pain I feel.
All of it is a small amount of the punishment,
I deserve for lying to her.

Every scar is a memory of a punishment I deserved.
But, you know why I left her?
Because I wanted my family to be proud of me again.
But, you know what happened?
I was attacked by my sister.
She bit and scratched me.
I showed Sam, and she didn’t find it important.
So, I couldn’t bear feeling this irrelevance.
I knew I was irrelevant.
I was useless.
I was there as a pack mule,
or a punching bag,
or a way to take out your rage.

But, I couldn’t stand it.
She had said she loved me.
Then, she took it all back.
Then, she said she loved me again.
She trusted me with so much ****, and I trusted her right back.
Now, I regret every word of pain I said to her.
I wish I could take it back, but I know I can’t.
All I want to tell her, ‘I’m sorry.’
That is it.
Nothing more.
Just that I am sorry.
I know she probably will never forgive me, but it’s worth a try.
So, to her, I am useless and irrelevant.
Like an old car model.
Outdated, and driven out.

I loved her.
I could never tell if she loved me or not.
She loved me one minute, then didn’t the next.
And, out of the blue, ‘I love you’ again.
Everyday, a new story coming from her mouth.
I was done.
I am done.
She is happy with him.
Let them be, I say to myself.

But,
How can you let someone you love go?