Late in the night when the houses go quiet
And there is nothing that surrounds me but a quiet
Darkness
Every little noise stirs up my paranoia
I recycle moments, fears, and looks in my head
Think of how to improve
Where I'm not good enough
Afraid of this or that
Swimming into a deep pool
Of just me
Just me in these plural moments.

I stand my ground.
I stand it with kindness and sincerity
It's all been such a hike
To make it this far
And this is still just the beginning.

Opportunities arise
And often don't come to fruition
I ride the wave
In all the many places I sleep
Solo
Most times, thankful for the solitude
The appreciation of my own thoughts
Company
And sometimes longing for that distraction
That glue to paper feeling
When you and someone else
Just click.

It hasn't really happened for me
Not yet
I've found myself excited for several moments
Bending over into a colorful triangle
Hoping to make it work out.

I'm so tired of it all
I've been tired of it for a year now.

So I stop trying
I stop searching
I don't define myself through who loves me
And who doesn't any longer.

I don't understand why I'm not as popular
When I'm just on my own.
I don't understand
Why I'm more paranoid
When I'm just on my own.
I don't understand
Why I feel this quiet sense of doom
When everyone around me nurses drinks
Or blabs thoughtlessly about their love lives
When I'm just on my own.

But its something
I'm working on
And starting to control.