But I didn’t.
I think why is important, but maybe I’m just fucked up.
Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. And if thinking about thinking is a thing I’ve been doing too much of it.
I’m stuck right now. To explain what I mean it’s like everytime I try to fall asleep my mind forbids it. I’m given no peace even when I’m actively looking for it, and I hope it’s just not me. I hope I can fix this.
I don’t want to spend every night with my heart in my ears and my eyes shut but the voice in my head won’t stop going in directions I don’t have energy for.
I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried talking it into real life, making the voice in my head a conversation with someone. I’ve tried meditating, but honestly who am I kidding. I’ve tried counting sheep, telling myself to think about sleeping, to stop thinking, but nothing.
The only thing that really helps is driving. When I drive I can escape. When I’m not even comforted by my own bed the roads ease my mind. I think it’s because it gives me nothing to think about. I dont have to use my head for anything except driving. Sometimes I just drive down the coast and think about going as far as I can but then I remeber...
I have all this shit to deal with.
Responsible people have obligations to fulfill. I can’t just do whatever I want.
I don’t know what I can do anymore, and I think that’s why I almost cried. I feel like everything I worked to create has depleated into potentionalless burdens. Maybe I’m being hard on myself but lately I feel like I can do nothing good.
I’m lost in this state of mind that won’t let me go. I’m used to being strong and learning to deal with lifes messes but this is too much.
I don’t know what’ll fix me or this or whatever, but I think a cry might do me some good.