her name
it always came back to her beautiful ******* name
want to know how to make me truly happy for a moment?
say her name.
then watch as the hope from my face drops as quickly as it came
as I turn away blinking back petty tears
then cease to even look at you for the rest of the day
and barely engage in conversation for the rest of the week
not to mention the multiple bandages that appear along my arms and legs and stomach

her smile
I never saw it
after all we never sent each other pictures
just two kids talking across the world from each other
one trying to save the other
not knowing yet why anyone would dare cut their skin on purpose:
me
the one resisting to be saved:
her
trying not to put all her problems on me
knowing I was stupid enough to believe an 'I'm fine.'
sometimes smiling however at my lame jokes
and as I began to say
I never saw it
but I felt it
I felt it coming all the way from wherever she lived
it could have been down the road for all I know, we don't talk to our neighbours much
but even if she was living in Australia
I felt her smile

her voice
I never heard it
but I knew what it sounded like
deep
but smooth like honey
comforting and sweet
the best sound in the world
the only reason I could fall asleep at night

her gay posts on G+
the place we met
the place where I learned
she was gay as heck
the place I learned
I was bi as heck
the place she gave me a nickname
It had been a nice thing to do when you were young,
sending kiss emojis to your friends.
She took this as a romantic gesture
yet knew that when I did it, it was for fun.
She called me 'Frenchy'.
as in french kissing
except we said it was short for something else
'French fries', the American way of saying 'chips'
I found it fun
I called her 'Lavender'
Because I love the smell of it
I love the name
it helps me fall asleep still
plus
I could call her 'Lav' for short
which sounds like 'Love' if you think about it

I didn't mean it in any way like that though
Not at the time.

There were many things she said to me
that I will keep forever
locked away in the deep dungeons of my heart
never to be exposed
for fear someone might know too much
no friends for me, thank you. no one could be like KC.

However there is one thing I would like to share.
I posted a picture because I liked it's background.
It's quote meant nothing to me
at the time
It said

'I just want someone to hold me and tell me I'm not as worthless as I think I am.'

Only one comment.
From KC.
From Lavender.
She said

"You're not worthless Frenchy, you're priceless."

I,
being the way I was at the time,
replied with a
"Thanks Lavender, you too