the same questions,

I'm asking myself ones again,

how, why,

results are always the same,

spent up and used up emotional pain,

it feels like am dragging a ball n a chain,

uphill in the rain..

never again..

and I mean it this time,

but lose grip n fall soon as I start to clime.

I feel so tired, I feel so weak,

the same words ones again I mentally speak,

a power greater then me

I shoud try to seek,

but i cause upset, mistrust

I lie and i sneak.

so if god dose exsist or forces in stealth,

why should they take notice

unless I help myself..

I don't understand why i cannot break free,

when I do understand what it's doing to me..

see for a minute or two I may feel fine,

when I smoke on that pipe or sniff up a line..

but what follows is awful

inside me it's carnage,

hiding bags and used pipes in the garbage..

I sweat and I panic,

im paronid and im stressed,

it feel like my Heart is gonna beat out my chest..

the mental torcher

and awful anxiety,

now in such dark place I long for sobriety..

i guess its apparent, it must be addiction,

not thinking twice about what i was mixing,

heating a spoon on the hob in kitchen..

but now looking back

i must recall the pain..

when it smashed me to bits..

almost sent me insane,

so when these dark thoughts

next enter my brain,

I have all tools to keep it contained..

I'm now In control,

drugs have no hold on me,

I'm no longer a slave,

finally I'm breaking free..