i wouldn't have believed it -
had it not been for the past few days:
spending the past few days
in bed - wondering: what's wrong?
curling up into a foetal position -
then uncurling twinkling with
my toes...
              at first i said to myself:
could it be a depressive lethargy?
was i really losing the plot?
           could it possibly be akin to
that story of how an englishman visited
poland -
                admired the freedom marches
and the solidarity among
    "neo-****" slurs from outside sources
having to go back to england:
   disheartened?
          i tried to pin-point the reason...
i fasted for 2 days, having drank about
half a litre of milk and having
eaten a handful of grapes...
                        only to find myself
feeling my stomach curl up into a stone -
my mind being pulverised by:
     quasi-hallucinations while trying
to fall to sleep -
                    sharp incisions in my mind
as if: dreams waiting for my unconscious
to incubate them in a safe environment
sleep... but to no avail:
        every time i was so close to drifting
into the land of nod:
     i was jolsted jolsted back into
                a wake in horror & stupor...
so i broke the fast with much agony -
the dinner from two days ago:
  roast beef, baked potatoes &
     vegetables (carrots, peppers,
    parsley and butternut squash)
      glazed with honey, worcestershire sauce,
cumin and lemon juice...
       and i mean: it was painful to ingest
all it...
           plus i had the unappetising thought:
god... this roast beef is two days old...
if i microwave everything the beef will
have a texture of a piece of coardboard...
- so how do you revive a two day old
piece of beef?
            ha! you poach it!
             get some water on the boil and
drop the meat into...
                 and if you have two or three
thin slices... make sure to only take one
piece out, while keeping the rest still
poaching...
      but this is not about reviving a two day
old piece of roast...
    apparently i found it necessary to fast
since:
          sitting with a small cup of turkish tea
having lit a cigarette...
              how many cigarettes have
you smoked today? i asked myself -
  this will be my second one...
     and how many packets of 20 Marlboros
have you smoked in the past 4 days?
     i'm still working through this:
being the second one...
             ah... so you want to know why
you're feeling so ****...
     oh... well that explains why you can
end up smoking 40 a day having smoked
with the russians,
          and a packet a day of 20 was my norm
for almost 10 years...
      well? ****... withdrawl symptoms!
and the fact that you haven't written as much
as you have of recent?
   writing & smoking & drinking
     goes hand hand like peaches,
                         crème fraîche & honey...
but who would have thought that
    withdrawl symptoms from smoking
  cigarettes could ever be so debilitating.
      evidently fasting plays a big role...
as also the drinking of milk...
     and there i was thinking:
      there was some grand scheme of things.