I sit and i watch
the homemade movie
play out in my mind
i see a woman with love and care
in her eyes
and tenderness in her hands
as she holds the baby me
in her arms
i see that woman transform
the dark shadows under her eyes appear
her eyes, nails and teeth yellow
her eyes become dull and lifeless
I see me growing slowly
watching my mother fall apart
as i move from in her arms
to beside her
to all the way away from her
what replaces me in her arms you ask?
A needle
a vial
of a nasty drug
that snatches my mother away from me
so why after i watch my mother kill herself slowly
do i still pick up that joint
and smoke that bowl
or drink that bottle?
because im weak and
Im always looking over my shoulder to see
if she is watching,
if she is seeing me end up just like her
but all i see
is her slowly wasting away to nothing
untill i see myself end up in that same seat
with my daughter looking back at me.