sometimes
when he holds me at night,
i pretend
your ribs jutting out and poking my back,
your hands tracing my neck,
kissing my cheek,
looking at me

“you’re the most beautiful girl in the world”

“oh, shut up”

laughing,
crying and holding and loving
my arms shake, i can’t feel
his heartbeat
80 to 90 bpm
yours was different,
i remember your heart,
****** beard
i told you how handsome either way,
that your eyes sparkled and mine were grey,

a tear falls down my cheek,
and he asks

“are you ok?”