it's not unusual -
me dealing with this
thoughts of ending my life have become commonplace
an almost comforting constant in an otherwise ever-changing living space

i am in a constant state of flux
between okay
and not
and right now i am decidedly not

as i sit here and let the tears fall off my nose and wonder if this improvised prose conveys how deeply hurting my soul is
because right now i am just wondering
if the remaining sleeping pills on my bedside table are enough
for me to go to sleep and not have to wake back up
because that is where i am left
not wanting to do this anymore
feeling completely and utterly bereft

and i try so hard not to let people's words effect me
but it's hard when they harp on my failures repeatedly
and remind me of all the times and the ways i fall short
because they're judge, jury, and prosecutor in this court
never letting up or letting go
reminding me that i am useless and will never be enough and so
here we are and here i find myself again
where suicidal ideation is my only friend