im doing it again and i crumble
take it, take it, take all of me
throw my heart at you, pour out my being
i try to reclaim myself with distance but only succeed in isolation
i say "i can't do this" like this is my purpose
like i am nothing more but a resource to give with no source to replenish
i hang onto the tiny fractured pieces of myself and constantly get cut on the shards
i make promises like a death sentence
i say "i can't do this" and crawl back into my cell away from everything i need because
i am needed
needed and given and taken and used up
and i need
but when i need i am grovelling, overflowing, and still trying to give with nothing left of me
somewhere along the way i convinced myself that i need to be needed
but i've been serving purpose all along
i exhaust myself with being needed, with putting myself forward even when i am not asked for
i need to be able to need
i drain myself dry of affection, passion, compassion
i will not eat for days, i will wear my binder for days straight
i will put everything away for you like a guardian
like i could ever be anything but a broken thing with a mask
trying to fluff up my chest to seem large enough to take care of anyone who needs me
i have been walking on broken legs and i think they healed wrong
i have been tearing out the same stitches over and over again, bending over backwards, contorting myself
i am so afraid to speak in anything but metaphor because i don't want to shatter this, show my underbelly, cave in to my own weakness
i don't want to say i need more than this, that is how i get broken, that i how i am discarded
i don't want to show my marred skin and remind you that i am bleeding, too
i don't want to be anything but a shelter for you
i will continue you to tear myself apart in chunks, crying
take it, take it, take all of me