The outside cried down on me
As I left my apartment this morning.

Mama is in a panic
She saw the truth unfold
Right before her eyes
And she seems like
She was doin' better
As I marked out lines
Of boundaries I hoped to set.

I'm not capable of being able to perfectly
Articulate
Exactly what it is I feel
And I know my circumstance
Ain't that special.

I think back on
Driving in my Red Jetta
When Papa and I picked it out
That new fresh car smell
We debated between it and the black Altima
For a time
And it felt so free
Driving around in that lot
Just him and me.

Months and years would soon swing past
As I gripped trophy after trophy
In my determined and humble hands
Hoping to sketch out my own name.

Mama would create all her little signs
Adorned with balloons
And sweet southern twine
Photos snapped, remember every bit of it
I think I must have been
Some sort of a surprise
And sometimes I'll feel the urge
To just shave my head
Because I want to so completely
Shed my skin.

It is Saturday night
Nothing on but my night light
I hope mama sleeps peacefully tonight
I imagine them all
While feeling like I must be
Light years away
And I wonder and pontificate
On all the many forms
My life could take.

I don't really know how I ended up here
I'm not sure where to go
Tucking away cash
Into a box at the top
Hoping.

Hoping for it all.