“did you wish you would have successfully committed suicide?”
you can’t ask me that because it is one hell of a loaded question and i’ll spend all this time agonizing over what answer will make you worry the least because and ****** anyhow i just don’t know
it’s just one thing in a long laundry list of maybe’s that i took from therapist to therapist and psych ward to psych ward trying to find a definitive answer on why i was depressed why i was afraid to sleep at night why i couldn’t just be happy why i wanted to die just why why why
and i don’t know because my whole life felt like preparations in order to die younger than i should have but that stubborn cursor just kept on blinking away saying that my story wasn’t over
but the thing is that depression has no face because there were good days where i wasn’t miserable but then the nights were hell and i could never cut deep enough to find the infection that made me this way
because even now almost 20 and terrified over a life that still sometimes feels like it should have ended four years ago i am still depressed
under the genuine smiling and laughing where i don’t care if my crooked teeth show my mental illness is still there
and i am riddled with anxiety and guilt and regret though i still cannot say for certain if that guilt extends to the fact that i failed to take my own life because i just do not know
it’s a long list of maybes more than the scars littering my left arm or the days that i spent bruising my wrist on any sharp corner i could because i can’t say “yes” and i can’t say “no” without it feeling like a lie
“did you wish you would have successfully committed suicide?” i don’t know yes no maybe maybe maybe