There are times
When rather than sitting behind my eyes
I watch the world from the back of my head
Where the negative thoughts abound
And my outlook becomes dark(er).

There are times
When she steps closer to me
In order for her words to have more effect.
Her lecture/scolding/discussion to make a difference
Maybe this time.
But instead of that my eyes unfocus
And she appears farther away instead.

There are times
When the words I speak become like whispers
When I nod yes
But really want to explode
Yell and scream and rage
And throw delicate things at the wall.
But it’s easier in the long-term just to agree.

There are times
When I am with the person they don’t want me to be with.
And the world is right.
And I don’t know
If I’m with him because they don’t want me to be,
Or it’s because I’m drawn to him without their influence.

And it’s really unfair
That I can’t be in my world all the time
That there are times when I have built a wall within myself.
Just to agree
And get through the day without screaming until my throat is raw.
There are times that I do, though.
Why does that feel so right?