I am bleeding but not dying I want to go but am not trying I'm reaching but not flying I'm screaming but not lying.
I feel something bitter at the back of my tongue when I see them We both know I am tethered here now, will do nothing, am bound. But jealousy burns in my chest like bile and hisses, demands to know when We both know I have no answer, no timeline for my touchdown.
You think I won't, you know it, I've been here so long You think I care about a promise whispered in a heartbeat. I want to rip out my esophagus and wind it round my lungs I want to peel back my skin, carefully separate my veins, and bleed.
What am I doing here?
I cannot, will not, I refuse to live.
Yet here I am without you Breathing. Smiling. Speaking. Working.
I hate it.
If you knew where you were going, why didn't you invite me? I would follow you wherever you said you wanted to go. Instead I sit on empty promises and hang onto life and my mother's pleas. I will tear apart my mind and body and bury myself in winter's first snow.