i love the feeling of
stumbling across something
i didn't know i was looking for
like listening to spotify and hearing that one song
or finding out the word "alexithymia" exists

"alexithymia"
the inability to experience, express, or describe
an emotional response
if you want the psychiatrist's definition
to me
it is simply
the inability
to put my feelings into words

and even if i did, the crippling fear that they wouldn't be heard
or if they were, but by the wrong person
and then what might they think?
seeing my words here in indelible ink
presuming that perhaps now
somehow
they know me?

no
you don't know me any more than
jon snow knows what's going on in westeros
you could no sooner describe me
than a dog could describe a rainbow
i am foreign to you - alien, weird
and as i sit here
i am paralyzed by fear

because what if i've lost the words?
the one constant in my life
my unerring ability to write
about the world around me and process it on paper
but now i sit and stare at a blank page
while trying to cling to thoughts that are like fleeting vapors

what if
what if
what if...
what if i lost the words?